Step 1:
Wake up sweaty and disoriented, ten minutes before you have to leave for work wearing a Soroptimist Women’s Organization shirt your grandma gave you and those stained dELiA*s sweatpants you bought in the 7th grade (when JLo’s velour sweat-suit was a “thing”)
Step 2:
Grab a pair of jeans crumpled up in the corner of your apartment.
Step 3:
Do the sniff test. If they pass, throw them on. If not, Febreze® them and then throw them on. Same goes for socks. It’s quick, easy and saves tons of money on laundry! Also prevents you from having meaningful romantic relationships.
Step 4:
Grab a bag of Tostitos® “Hint of Lime” chips located in the “nacho supplies” section of your kitchen. If you do not have a “nacho supplies” section in your kitchen, stop reading this immediately and kill yourself*
Step 5:
Throw on that magenta puffy coat your mom got you on sale from L.L. Bean. Yes, you look like an overgrown toddler with a disability but it’s f**king cold and your self-respect is a gone anyway.
Step 6:
Jog down your hallway cradling the bag of chips in your arms as if it were a small child. Drop the bag: lose 12 points. Nobody likes crumbled up chips*
Step 7:
Jump on the subway. Push past the finance bros in Grand Central with their ill-fitting Dockers and “Super Cuts” haircuts. Start to laugh at them. Realize you are wearing a puffy L.L. Bean coat your mom bought you. Stop laughing.
Step 8:
Breeze into the office, mingle, check email, stare at that puppy desk-calendar you bought at Staples last week. Note that your desk resembles less of a “professional work-space” than the bomb-shelter of a confused tween girl.
Step 9:
Engage in an awkward run-in at the coffee machine with that guy whose name you can’t remember (Elijah? Enrique? Jamiroquai?).
Step 10:
Your conversation will go something like this:
You: “So what do you do?”
Jamiroquai: “I’m a headhunter.”
You: “Ooh headhunting!! Scary!”
Jamiroquai: “Umm… It means we recruit talent for companies.”
You: (blank expression) “Ah hah! Well… This coffee is really coffee today! Bye!
(Run into glass door, realize it’s a “pull.” Laugh uncomfortably, then swing it open and bolt down the hallway. Do not look back).
Step 11:
Lunchtime! Your co-worker is eating Tomato Cheddar soup from Hale & Hearty again (your favorite). It smells delicious, but unfortunately you spent all of your money at (insert name)’s birthday/holiday party/bar mitzvah last week, so instead you are going to eat this bag of lime-flavored tortilla chips.
Step 12:
Rip open the plastic bag with your teeth and put your dignity aside, (probably next to the puppy desk-calendar.)
Step 13:
Eat the entire bag of chips.
Step 14:
At some point you won’t feel hungry anymore. Power through this. It is an illusion. You are always hungry. This is who you are.
Step 15:
Soon your co-worker will ask if you’ve “done that spreadsheet yet.” Just act like you can’t hear them and point to the bag of chips mouthing the word “lunch.”
Step 16:
The bag is done. You’re filled with a mixture of shame and pride. You decide to call this “shmide.”
Step 17:
Write down “do yoga! :)” on a sticky-note.
Step 18:
Never do yoga.
Step 19:
Repeat weekly.
That’s all folks!
JUST EAT THE FOOD
*OK, don’t actually kill yourself. It’s not good press for the blog. But do take a moment to look at your life and your choices and then do the opposite of everything you’ve been doing. Now proceed to Step 5.
* Unless you mix them with sour cream (but I digress.)
![thedailywhat:
Follow Up of the Day: After Murk Avenue’s Donovan Strain determined that January 20, 1992 was Ice Cube’s “Good Day,” everybody lost their sh*t, collectively.
But what does the man himself have to say about Strain’s conclusion? “Nice try.”
That’s what Cube told Vulture through a publicist. Could he be hinting that Strain’s figure is incorrect? The possibility has been debated since the blog post was unleashed.
Strain bases a significant portion of his inference on the commercial availability of beepers, but conveniently neglects to confirm sightings of the Goodyear blimp (and whether or not it read “Ice Cube’s a pimp”). An exhaustive critique of Strain’s research suggests Ice Cube’s “Good Day” actually took place on November 30th, 1988.
Still no accounting for the Goodyear blimp, though, or the lack of homicides in South Central L.A., so the mythological “Good Day” may still be as elusive as ever.
[vulture / lahatiel.]
Well okay. Can we make this a national holiday?](http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lyobkaXeVN1qzpwi0o1_500.jpg "thedailywhat:
Follow Up of the Day: After Murk Avenue’s Donovan Strain determined that January 20, 1992 was Ice Cube’s “Good Day,” everybody lost their sh*t, collectively.
But what does the man himself have to say about Strain’s conclusion? “Nice try.”
That’s what Cube told Vulture through a publicist. Could he be hinting that Strain’s figure is incorrect? The possibility has been debated since the blog post was unleashed.
Strain bases a significant portion of his inference on the commercial availability of beepers, but conveniently neglects to confirm sightings of the Goodyear blimp (and whether or not it read “Ice Cube’s a pimp”). An exhaustive critique of Strain’s research suggests Ice Cube’s “Good Day” actually took place on November 30th, 1988.
Still no accounting for the Goodyear blimp, though, or the lack of homicides in South Central L.A., so the mythological “Good Day” may still be as elusive as ever.
[vulture / lahatiel.]
Well okay. Can we make this a national holiday?")
